What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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