Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
