Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize