Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
