someone owes me an orgasm
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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