The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize
