I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
