I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
