I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
