I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
