I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
