I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
