There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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