well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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