just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
