She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
