It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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