at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
