my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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