The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
