Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I need water and some morals
Randomize
