i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
