So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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