Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
