I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
