3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
