Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
