These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
