why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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