dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
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