K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
