I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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