My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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