i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
