sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
