Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
