My room smells like vodka and shame
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
