he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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