You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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