i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
