His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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