Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
