I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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