im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
