You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
