ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
