soooo we both peed the bed last night...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
