So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
