Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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