if you like me you must not know who I am
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
