If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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