Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
how drunk are you?
Several
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize