Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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