After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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