I love black thongs
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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