You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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