Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
