I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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