i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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