how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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