good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
