Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
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