Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
PANTIES FOUND
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